Ain't No Party Like A Taco Party
Because a taco party doesn’t something, something, something.
What’s the biggest problem a vegan crossfit person has when they meet someone new?
Trying to decide to tell them they’re vegan or they do crossfit first!
Wait. I can do better.
How can you tell someone is vegan?
Don’t worry THEY’LL TELL YOU!
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Last night’s secret word was vegan because our vegan friend (everyone has one, don’t fucking lie) came over for backyard drinks and because it was their birthday. (Yes, even vegans have birthdays. And yes, I expect you to click on those goddamn links. I’m not doing this entirely for my own edification. Well. Ok. Maybe. But, unlike my kids, just humor me.)
Warning: you might want to get a cup of coffee or like go get comfortable because it’s gonna a long entry. I’m also mildly hung over and my kids really want some attention this morning and I really can’t be fucking bothered so I’m hiding in front the laptop.
No. That’s mean. They’re good kids.
I had noticed a recipe for vegan cheez sauce from America’s Test Kitchen the other day and it looked pretty interesting considering that it was made out of stuff a lot of people might have in their kitchens, as opposed to much vegan cheez which is either downright fucking disgusting or plastic yet unmelting, and usually full of modified starches, extracts and other you’re-not-really-gonna-do-it-at-home ingredients. I didn’t have any powdered mustard so I skipped it, and then I mixed in a can of mild diced green chilis, and you know what? It was pretty fucking good. I mean it was obviously not-cheese, but it was actually better than a bowl of Velveeta or whatever sodium-citrate filled nastiness they’ve filled it with. To be honest the most impressive part was that I thought to put the queso in a bowl of boiling water to keep it hot because it was dumb cold out last night.
What do you need if you’ve got queso? Guacamole. And I swear to fucking god (I don’t care which one, you pick if it matters) if anyone so much as thinks about peas or has peas in the kitchen or even goes to the bathroom to take a leak I WILL FUCKING LOSE IT ON YOU.
PEAS.
DO.
NOT.
BELONG.
IN.
(MY)
GUAC.
A.
FUCKING.
MOLE.
That’s some straight up goddamn fucking bullshit “SEND IN THE ARMY” editorial page extreme-right-wing-masquerading-as-centrist-thought New York Times horseshit. I mean. You can put peas in your guacamole if you want. But you’re probably the kind of person who thinks the PT Cruiser is a good looking car, so your opinions are obviously wrong.
And once you’ve got guacamole, you’re probably gonna need some salsa. And then once you’ve got all of those you’re gonna need some chips.
Alright, quick question: what brand of supermarket tortilla chips can withstand heavy dips without breaking?
The answer to that is the same as the answer to how many people like Nickelback. ZERO. (I mean… who fucking throws fucking rocks at a band they fucking paid to see? The Portuguese are alright man.)
So what is a person to do? Well, they fry their own goddamn chips. I already had the oil hot in the wok for the potatoes (more on that later), so might as well just take a pile of store bought corn tortillas, slice them up and throw them in the fat too. They’re about 100x thicker and 100000x better tasting even starting with store bought tortillas, and it literally couldn’t be easier. Like. Cut them. Put them in hot oil. Drain them. Salt them. If only the rest of the food was this easy to make.
Speaking of, I also made two taco fillings: vegan rajas y papas and roasted king oyster mushrooms, as well as guacamolito sauce and some pickled red onions. The mushrooms and “guacamolito” (avocado cream) were from Flavor which is a pretty awesome book if you’re looking to eat less meat (and, to be honest, we all should be.) The book wants you to use oyster mushrooms, but like we’re celebrating a fucking birthday here so I’m all about the king ones. They also tend to be a little “meatier”, plus you can use them to make some pretty good vegan fakin’ bacon.
The rajas y papas were deep fried diced potatoes (as mentioned above), along with poblano peppers I roasted on the stove, skinned & seeded and then sliced into strips. The cream sauce was soaked cashews, water, a little bit of coconut cream, nutritional yeast, white miso, salt and champagne vinegar blitzed until smooth in my blender. Once all the pieces were done, I combined them on the stove top over low heat.
It’s a good thing I spent all this time cooking for the family because the kids devoured what was on their plates. Like not a single goddamn scrap left. Who thought they liked vegan food?
Oh.
They didn’t. They got a quesadilla and a chicken & rice burrito. You know, since I already was using flour tortillas (I wasn’t), and shredding cheese (I wasn’t), and cooking rice (I wasn’t) and re-heating the left over shredded chicken from the other night (I wasn’t). But it felt like a thematic win last night. This morning? I’m just more tired even thinking about having to do all that extra work. I mean, I guess they ate some of the chips that I made and didn’t say “they’re almost as good as store bought?”